Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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