We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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