need another drink. this is the easiest way
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
