Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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