I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
