Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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