oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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