And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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