It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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