You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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