Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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