You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
