Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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