I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
