I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
