My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
