I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
