Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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