This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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