Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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