i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
