There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
