This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
