then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
