I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
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You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
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I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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