"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
