weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
we're so committed to being not committed
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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