Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
