I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
