dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
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