i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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