I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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