I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
