dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
