Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
