i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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