nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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