I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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