I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
