Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
