i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
