Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
