thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
