Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
