i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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