are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
