I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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