I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
