Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I got her a Nickelback box set.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
not ubering you a puppy
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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