from now on my penis is your penis
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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