he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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