My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
