i was rollin on her like bob the builder
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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