Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
