I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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