Jerry, you need to find god
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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