it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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