Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
